Forgiveness: or Give God the Mess

Forgiveness isn't easy

My youngest son has a problem with forgiveness. (Don't we all?) We adopted him from China when he was seven (he's 11 now), and like many children in orphanages, some of his experiences before joining our family were bad.  Very bad.  Often he brings up a specific woman who worked in the orphanage.  To say she was abusive is an understatement.  I won't go into details here, that's his story.  He'll share it if he wants to when he's older. 

The other night we were sitting at the table when he (again) told me the things this woman did to him.  He got very angry as he spoke--which he had a right to do.  The only problem is that he holds on to this anger so tightly that it colors all of his other relationships.  Aside from me, he keeps people at a distance, and when he talks about himself, he only does so in negative terms. 

I hate that someone hurt him like this.  I hate that he is already intimately acquainted with evil at this young age.  Most of all, I hate that the pain from those experiences continues to shape his life. 

I listened to him speak, and then I asked him if he had thought about forgiving this woman.  He shook his head.  "Nope," he said.  "She's mean.  I hate her." 

"You have every right to hate her," I said, "but forgiveness isn't so much for her, it's for you."  I explained that by forgiving her, the bad things she had done to him would lose their power over him.  He would finally be able to get rid of that anger he had been carrying around. 

"You see," I said, "by holding on to your anger and not forgiving her, she's still controlling your life.  And the bad things make it difficult to see God."

He frowned.  I could tell from his expression that he didn't buy what I was saying. 

I thought for a minute.  "It's like this.  You know how being angry makes you feel all clenched up inside?  Forgiving her lets you relax because you give God all of those bad feelings."

He thought for a moment.  Finally, he said, "So you just give God the mess?"

"Yes.  You give God the mess." 

Leave it to a child, I thought to boil forgiveness down to its essence.  When we're hurt, everything inside of us gets bundled up into this mess that prevents us from leading the life God wants us to live.   

Forgiveness isn't about absolving the other person.  It's about healing.  Your healing.  It's about getting rid of the mess so that you can draw closer to God.  Fear, anger, and despair wall you off from God.  They direct your focus to the hard parts of your life, leaving you unable to see God or connect with other people.  They leave you trapped in the past. 

Now this is important.  The woman who hurt my son didn't ask for his forgiveness.  Most of the time we hold on to our anger and hurt.  We wait until the person who wronged us acknowledges our hurt. 

But true forgiveness isn't a transaction between people.  It's between an individual and God.  It occurs when we release any claim of repentance we might have on those who hurt us. 

Look at Jesus.  He was hanging on the cross, between two criminals, while people gambled for His clothing.  No one acknowledged their wrongdoing.  No one repented. Instead, they mocked him, heaping more hurt on His bruised shoulders. 

Father forgive them...(Luke 23:34)

He had every reason to be hurt and angry.  Instead, He looked down on them and said, "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) 

In the midst of His greatest pain, Jesus asked for forgiveness for those who hurt Him.  If we are truly His followers, we must do likewise.   

Now I'm not saying that "Giving God the mess" is a one and done thing.  Sometimes it is, but often we have to forgive again and again.  We're human after all. 

Still, as we continue to forgive, we move closer to God and further away from those painful experiences.  Slowly, they lose their power over us. 

For the first time, I saw my son begin to forgive the woman who had hurt him.  Giving God the mess was a big step for him.  I was proud of him and I said so.

"Well, I don't know about that," he said.  "I just hope God doesn't have too much paperwork." 

Me too, son.  Me too.