Are You Enough?

I struggle with being "enough".  The question is constantly in my mind: "Am I enough?  As a mother, as a writer, a wife, a friend, a person."  Almost every day I think of things that I could have done better.  One of the kids has a meltdown: I should have been calmer.  I sit in front of the computer and the words don't come: I should be writing more.  I get irritated when my husband's job keeps him away from home: I should be more patient.

Cognitive behavioral therapy tells me that I need to capture those thoughts, examine them, and then "talk back" to myself with this truth: "I'm doing the best I can."  I've been in therapy for several months now and this really does help--most of the time.

But what about those times it doesn't work?  What about the times when my mind circles and circles, each time coming back to the thought: "I'm not enough."  It's exhausting.  As anyone with an anxiety disorder knows, it's like your mind is sped up, constantly looping back to the same negative thoughts.  I can only "talk back" to myself so many times without the treatment for anxiety becoming as overwhelming as the anxiety itself.

A few weeks ago, I came across this verse in my morning reading: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

I've read this verse many times.  I've quoted it. I've seen it on Instagram posts. I've heard sermons on it.  I knew it; but I didn't know it.  The knowledge hadn't moved from my head to my heart.

But that morning as I re-read the verse, it hit me.  I don't have to struggle against my weakness.  Instead I can lean in to my weakness, knowing that I don't have to be strong because He is.

The word "perfect" in the above verse is interesting.  It means fulfilled or completed.  This implies God's strength is best displayed through our weakness.  It means our weakness isn't (necessarily) something to struggle against.  No.  We can embrace it and turn to God, knowing that He can do what we can't.

More than that, it means that I don't have to be enough.  I can stop fighting my feelings.  Because the truth is, I'm not enough and I never will be.  I could always be a better mother, wife, writer, friend. There's always something I could improve.  I'm not perfect and I never will be.  But I don't have to let that knowledge overwhelm me.  The next time the thought loops through my mind, I can say, "That's right.  I'm not enough.  But that's okay because He is."